Did you realize there are three different levels of commitment in marriage? And only one of them helps secure the happily-ever-after you dream of. Are you choosing it? Take a look and discover the choice you can make, beginning today! Fine it here: Commitment
With the release of a new book, authors typically follow the reviews closely to get a “read” on the response to their work. I’m one of those authors. Several times a day, I login and take a look. It’s kind of like showing up at work with your new baby and having the group give it the once over. You labored painfully, birthed it, and now it’s on display for everyone to see. And comment on. I recall my always-appropriate mother once step back from a wrinkly squawking bundle of joy and say, “Wow! Now that’s a baby!” It was the kindest remark she could muster in the moment.
That’s typical of the information you receive on your book baby. Some days you feel pretty good about the data. Other days, not as much. And the perfectionist in me can fixate on the few that are not so good.
I’ve been blessed not to have anyone take to my bundle with a hatchet or an ax to grind, but on a five-point rating scale, you pray for reviews in the four or five star category. But today, I’ve got a new favorite. A three-star favorite.
The review caught me off-guard, as three stars is not a predictor for great news. She had received the book free of charge through an Amazon program, and often folks get books they’d never have purchased on their own. So as a faith-based author, you occasionally get some folks unhappy that you reminded them about God.
But this reader titled her review as “Helped Me Realize a Thing or Two.” That created real curiosity on my part. Here’s what she said:
“I’m not usually into self-help relationship books that are based on religion but this one seemed like a good fit for my situation. I picked this up weeks before my husband plopped down divorce papers on the counter so… yeah. There’s that.
There is a lot of helpful advice here to take – religious or not. The religion base didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. The thing that stuck with me the most was the fact of “I choose you.” and being married or even being with someone for over a decade, sometimes you forget why you’re there. Sometimes life sweeps you up and drops you both on your butt and all you can think about is all the stressful parts of life. You lose sight of the fact that this person is here because they decided to dedicate their life to helping you. To being there for you. Yet it’s so easy to push them away. To say we’re fine when we’re not. Then get angry that “no one was there for us.”
I still choose my husband today and he still chooses me. Beyond that, we’ll have to figure it out. But I am thankful I decided to pick up this book.”
And so, she helped me realize a thing or two . . .
God is at work in my work. When I’m sitting at the computer, I’ve got the Christ-following reader in my head. I thought I was writing for them. God’s got the bigger plan in mind and my hands on the keyboard belong to Him and His purposes. He sees every reader as a candidate for kingdom principles. I need to understand that.
5-Star reviews are great, but ministry is the point. Whether the reader’s a believer or not, I write to point others to Him and His love for us. Period. Not to entertain or amuse, (but maybe to challenge) and to draw them closer to an intimate connection with God.
Since ministry is the point, God holds me accountable for that privilege. There are days when getting the words on the page is demanding and difficult. Getting the right words on the page must always be my standard; can’t settle for anything less.
So thank you three-star lady. Today – and maybe for a lot of days still to come – you are my favorite.
Come join us on a journey to take your marriage to the next level – regardless of where it is today. Good marriages can become great, broken marriages can become whole. We’ll be exploring the power of choice and discover the ability to transform relationships with four little words: “I Choose You Today.”
My newest book, I Choose You Today: 31 Choices to Make Love Last will provide us a roadmap to highlight intentional, purposeful choices that will benefit every marriage relationship. “I choose to respect you. I choose to romance you, and I choose to laugh with you” are just a few of the chapters we will explore. The book is a quick read that would serve well as a devotional for couples or individuals, as well as those engaged to be married. Filled with anecdotal stories, tips, tools, and insights that provide a practical approach to enhancing the life you are building together.
Here’s what others are saying about the book:
- “It’s often been said that our choices define us. That’s true personally, but it’s also a key to our relationships. Deb DeArmond has provided a practical and insightful book detailing 31 choices we can make as husbands and wives that have the potential to transform even a good marriage – and make it a great one.” —Greg Smalley, Vice President of Family Ministry, Focus on the Family
- “There is no deeper joy in life than great love. Fortunately for us, I Choose You Today gives us a clear roadmap to achieving it with our spouse. Every couple- married or not- will benefit from reading Ms. DeArmond’s book. -Meg Meeker, M.D., best-selling author of Strong Fathers,Strong Daughters and Co-host of Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk radio broadcast
While we’re learning together, we’re going to have some fun! Prizes, giveaways, and lots of other surprises.
So sign up today Here’s the link: IChooseYouChallenge
And remember -with all this 50 shades of crazy… it is refreshing to hear God’s perspective on a healthy marriage. Happily ever after is not a fairy tale, it’s a choice!
Today we have a special treat: a guest post from Kathy Collard Miller and her husband, Larry Miller. This article is excerpted from their newly released book, Never Ever Be the Same (Leafwood Publishers) which offers Christians hope that they can change their ungodly reactions through identifying their self-protective strategies and trusting God instead. The book includes biblical principles, insightful stories, and helpful instruction, and it has individual and group discussion questions. I hope you enjoy!
Do we love our family members or do we love them well? All of us love others imperfectly. But loving “well” means we love them for their benefit rather than what it does for us or how it makes us look. We’re not talking about perfection but we are talking about desiring another’s good. We’ve all been around someone who is supposedly expressing love for us but it is disingenuous because it is really about them looking good or getting what they want. We don’t really feel encouraged or cared for.
I, Larry, may be wrong but I sensed a lack of loving well when I received an e-mail from a man who was considering buying one of our marriage books for his wife. He wrote, “I choose to love my unsaved wife as I love myself. She has a lot of issues and it’s my hope, prayer and confidence that my example, the light that I allow to shine in our home, and the love that I extend to her, just as God has done for me, will be a part of what God uses to save her.”
I didn’t have any kind of relationship with this man to be able to inquire into his motives. But I could sense that he might easily come across to his wife as thinking himself better than her. I wondered if he communicated a belief that he never needed to repent of anything and that she should be grateful for the way he puts up with her.
And I also wondered, “What is his motive for needing to explain?” Does he speak to others with this same kind of superior attitude? If his wife shares with him the superior attitudes she senses, how would he respond? I had a deep sense that he wasn’t loving her well. Unfortunately, he had concluded he loved her so well that he was amazed his sparkling and pristine example of Christ’s love hadn’t compelled her to become a Christian.
Here are other common ways we do not love well:
- A husband buys his wife for their anniversary (or birthday or Christmas) what he wants for himself, not what she values. He looks forward to the admiring looks from his friends when he uses the item himself.
- A wife plans an elaborate surprise birthday party for her husband, but he would rather enjoy a weekend away with her. But the accolades the wife gets at the party motivates her to throw another party the next year.
We’ve all been guilty at one time or another, but we may be able to avoid this error by focusing on how God loves us well. He always responds to us for our greatest good and desires our greatest benefit. Let’s make a commitment to do the same for those we love.
How has God shown you that kind of loving “well”?
Kathy Collard Miller and Larry Miller are speakers and authors. They have been married 44 years and Larry is a retired police lieutenant. The Millers live in Southern California, and have two grown children and one grandson. Visit them at www.LarryAndKathy.com. Kathy blogs at www.KathyCollardMiller.com.
Find their book at your local Christian bookstore and in both print and digital versions at:
Never Ever Be the Same is available at your local Christian bookstore and in both print and digital versions at: Amazon: http://amzn.to/1ITmLfy, CBD: http://bit.ly/1AuJZSX, Barnes and Noble: http://bit.ly/1BJz3lC,
By Deb DeArmond
The lock on the high-rise restroom door seemed a little loose. I wasn’t sure I could trust it. So when I heard another woman enter, I cleared my throat, putting her on notice: this stall is not available.
She clearly understood the signal, passed by and entered the stall two beyond mine. The system worked. It got me to thinking about the unspoken language we all seem to understand. . .
Sitting in church when my sons were teens often produced another of those trust is thin moments. I could see them from my vantage point. They routinely sat with the youth group across the aisle, toward the front. On occasion I would see notes passed back and forth, or what looked like it might be the beginning of “sermon inattention.” A quick clearing of my throat carried the message: I see you. Knock it off.
It was usually met with a stiffening of the spine and a slight look over the left shoulder. Eye contact finished the job. Nailed it.
I’ve only recently connected trust with the universal sign of throat clearing. But once considered, I marvel at its power.
Marriage is the ultimate opportunity to throw the sign. How many times have we been in a social situation when the conversation began to travel a path one or the other didn’t trust would end well and the soft guttural clearing of the throat performed its magic, steering the interaction onto the safety of the shoulder? More times than I can recall.
Of course there are times when it’s ignored completely (a failure to yield), or mistaken for a hay fever itch. The resulting crash and burn is never pleasant. Sometimes we simply misinterpret the message. It’s an error. But the failure to yield is a conscious choice to rush on, despite the opportunity to pause and consider.
Initially, it didn’t seem like a godly principle. But I’m wondering, have you ever experienced the equivalent of a Holy Ghost throat clearing? I’m sure you have. Involved in a heated discussion, you are poised and ready to hurl an angry retort when suddenly . . .you hear it. This is your moment. You are reminded. Can you trust yourself to respond in love?
Did God send us His Spirit because He didn’t believe we could (or would) make the right choices without some assistance? That seems to be the case; He knew we’d need guidance.
John is clear about the work of God’s spirit as he recounts Christ’s reassurance before His ascension: “The Spirit shows what is true and will come and guide you into the full truth. The Spirit doesn’t speak on His own. He will tell you only what He has heard from me, and He will let you know what is going to happen,” John 16:13 (CEV).
Isn’t that the same message we send in the stall, in the pew, or in conversations alongside our spouse? Consider it an early warning system from God: don’t stop here, straighten up, or change the subject, sweetheart. God’s rerouting our path, setting us straight, or sending us to safer territory. It comes softly, never outing us, the Spirit flying under the radar to redirect us. Amazingly gentle.
We all have those moments we need someone who loves us to say, “I see you. Knock it off.”
And you don’t want to miss that. Powerful stuff.
My new book, I Choose You Today: 31 Choices to Make Love Last, officially releases today! It’s now available in both paperback or electronic book at Amazon, ChristianBooks.com and even online at Target!
I invite you to join us for our upcoming 31 Week Challenge. It’s going to be great fun with free tools and resources, drawing for prizes and opportunities to share your story and hear that of others. You will be automatically enrolled for the challenge and eligible for the freebies by subscribing to this website.
I hope you will take a moment to read about the book here. I genuinely believe that whether you are engaged and hoping to start strong, a newlywed finding your way, or a long time married seeking to refresh or sustain your relationship, this book can help. It’s worked for my husband, Ron, and I for nearly 40 years.
What if you could hang on to the happily-ever-after feelings from the day you said, “I do?” It could be as simple as four little words: I Choose You Today.
Words have the power to create. They also have the power to destroy. Everyday you have the power to choose which it will be for your marriage.
The spoken word carries extra weight. God spoke the world and life into existence. We enter into new life in Christ, by the confession of our mouth. We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. Faith, spoken moves mountains. Our words can bless or curse. Words count.
What if we could enrich and preserve our marriages, breathing life into them through a daily profession of commitment to our relationship—one that aligns with the Word of God? Regardless of how we feel in the moment, choosing to bless, not curse our union?
I Choose You Today is based on the principle that marriage and love is always a choice—one that benefits from a daily-renewal of our commitment. Christ followers are charged to live in God’s truth. Feelings are not the basis for truth; feelings are subject to change. God’s Word is the basis for truth. The title of the book is built on the line included in the wedding ceremony: “I choose you to be my lawfully wedded husband to have and to hold….” Choice is a gift from God. We must choose marriage, choose our spouse, and choose to live in a way that pleases God. The book’s chapters contain thirty scriptural principles – or choices – that support marriage and help develop behaviors that support healthy relationships. Inspirational stories, conventional wisdom and thought-provoking questions help you explore your choices and commitment to each other . . . every day of your marriage.
Greg Smalley, Vice President of Family Ministry at Focus on the Family says this about I Choose You Today:
- “It’s often been said that our choices define us. That’s true personally, but it’s also a key to our relationships. Deb DeArmond has provided a practical and insightful book detailing 31 choices we can make as husbands and wives that have the potential to transform even a good marriage—and make it a great one.”
Dr. Meg Meeker, bestselling author and co-host of Dr. James Dobson’s Family Talk radio broadcast offered her review of the book:
- “I Choose You Today gives us a clear roadmap to achieve great love with our spouse. Every couple—married or not—will benefit from reading this book.”
James tells us: “A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything – or destroy it!” (James 3:5 MSG).
What will you choose today?
My mother spent much of my third grade year in the hospital. She suffered from terrible headaches that often sent her to bed. There were no MRI’s in 1963, and there were few treatments for what we now call migraines. A brain tumor was suspected as she went from hospital to hospital.
I spent those weeks sitting in white-walled waiting rooms, with the bitter smell of antiseptic, fearing my mom would die. At eight, it seemed like a reasonable fear.
What was not reasonable was the fear that struck once she was released. I would find any reason to avoid being away from Mom. Every morning a new malady appeared: my head hurt, I was sick to my stomach, the teacher didn’t like me, or the kids were mean to me. Each excuse had the same motive: I wanted to stay home to make sure my mother wouldn’t disappear again.
Reassurance didn’t work, nor did stern conversations, pleading or promising a treat if I’d just get dressed and go to school. When those efforts failed, the school psychologist became my new “friend” and Mom and I began a series of conversations and testing.
I recall it clearly: a very nice older man who seemed interested in me and what I thought and how I felt. Very pleasant. And eventually, either his conversations with us did help or I outgrew it, although I’m not sure which. But life returned to normal.
Thirty-seven years later, while sorting through Mom’s paperwork after her death, I found the report prepared by that school psychologist.
“Debbie has a tendency toward willfulness.”
It was not a compliment. It was not in the plus column.
And while it was true, it was never over the top, overt, throw a tantrum till I get my way willfulness. My folks were a couple of smart cookies who would never stand for that behavior. It was subtle. Skillful. Understated.
The report went on to suggest, “When fearful, Debbie may try to control the situation, which must not be allowed. As her parents, you must assert your authority.”
This weekend I heard a gifted teacher at church speak about willfulness. “When obedience to God’s Word occurs it’s always an act of our will. A choice. Willful obedience.”
Hearing those words reminded me of the assessment of my character by that nice man in 1963. Is it possible I can use my powers for good, not for evil?
“For it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose,” (Phil. 2:13) NIV.
Willful obedience. Willful mercy. Willful love, grace, forgiveness. An act of my choice, fueled not by fear, but by my loving Abba father, who desires to see me act in order to fulfill His good purpose, and who delights over me when I do. It’s the redemption of something the enemy once twisted to torment me, and Jesus has reclaimed it. I can see it now. The eight-year old me, who refuted authority, trying to run the table, is grown up.
Most days, at least.
Holidays bring family gatherings and occasionally, old hurts, fears, and resentments come along for the ride. The baggage of our past has the ability to turn even the most mature adult into a willful eight-year old.
This season can be different, by a simple act of our will, drawing on God’s strength, not our own. Choose peace. Refuse to pick up the offense. Willful grace, willful patience. Radical, willful obedience to love. This is my personal prayer, to fulfill His purpose and celebrate the birth of the One who makes it all possible.
Yup, using my powers for good!
The cover for my new book, I Choose You Today: 31 Choices to Make Love Last, has been visible on all the online bookseller sites for months. So I thought it was time to share it with all of you, here at Family Matters. The publisher, Abingdon Press, did a beautiful job and I couldn’t be more pleased. I hope you like it too! Look for it beginning January 6, 2015.
Bald heads, bad comb-overs, and enough bi-focals to start a bonfire. I was among my peeps.
We assembled to watch a music icon take the stage and transport us all to a sweet time in life—our twenties. That’s quite a voyage for most of us, judging from my fellow concertgoers in the event hall.
James Taylor, at age 66, continues to capture our hearts with his songs about love gained and lost, odd characters he’s known, and life in his beloved North Carolina. And I could sing every word without missing a beat. Odd, since I can’t remember where my car keys are most days or the time of my next appointment without consulting the calendar. Even if my last look was only an hour ago.
Music is the ultimate time machine. I hear the first few lines of “You’ve Got a Friend,” and I’m 16 again driving to the beach with a car full of girlfriends or dancing with my first love at the senior prom. Great memories. Good times. Easier times.
Does it happen to you?
I married my first love – my high school sweetheart, 39 years ago this week. Sitting together in that concert was a trip in the way back machine. I remembered how I saw him when we first fell in love. I was reminded how much I appreciate him, how much I love him, and how much I need him. When we first married, a simple look was all the reminder I needed. But years, and kids, and jobs, and broken toilets take their toll. I get caught up in the stuff around me and forget he was the man of my dreams nearly 40 years ago.
He still can be today.
But love and marriage are not feelings. They are choices every day. I must choose to put him before my job, my friends, and myself. I must choose to be patient when he’s on my last nerve, and to be praise him when he’s down – or when he’s rescued me (again) from a flat tire. It’s my choice today—and every day— to honor the choice I made nearly four decades ago.
John the Beloved wrote about first love in the book of Revelation. “But I have this complaint against you. You don’t love me or each other as you did at first,” Rev. 2:4 (NLT). First love is tough to maintain, whether you are a new bride or the Bride of Christ.
When I first met Jesus, my desire to spend time with Him was overwhelming, even if it meant skipping an evening with friends. Days without Him felt empty, and without purpose. Bible Study was something to look forward to, because I knew He’d be there. Really quite similar to those early months of marriage. He’s still the same Jesus. But just as is true in life with my husband, I have been given the choice in my life to remember the Bridegroom. And the more often I choose Him, the greater my desire for Him.
Sweet Baby James took me back to the prom. Sweet Baby Jesus takes me to the Father. Climb aboard the way back machine – it’s the ride of a lifetime.
With Mother’s Day just a few days away, why not entertain a new thought this year? Bless your husband’s mom. She did raise the man of your dreams, after all. If for no reason other than that, this is a great time to let her know you appreciate her. Find my brand new article today on my friend Dawn Wilson’s website. Here’s the link: Upgrade with Dawn